Well, it’s been a long time since I wrote in one of these. It’s wierd, when everything is going fine in my life I don’t think about the site that much and never usually update it. It’s really only when things start going a bit haywire that I think it’d be a good idea to write down what I’m thinking and feeling. As you may have concluded, things are a bit haywire at the moment.

I’ll start at the beginning (starting in feb).
First off, the romantic side of life was doing ok, I had known an amazing girl for a long time and we were going out. All in all it was looking like it had the potential to be a good relationship, the only hazard was that she lives down south and it would be a 4 hour drive to see her. This wasn’t really an issure because I was more than willing to drive down to see her any time.

So then I moved house at the beginning of March, and moved in with my dad after his divorce. I haven’t spoken to my mum now for at least 6 months, in fact it’s probably more than that because I haven’t really been keeping track, there was no chance that I wanted anything to do with her, let alone live with her. So I moved in with my dad, (who I get on really well with) to a good home, which needed some unexpected work doing to it. Then the day after we move in, my dad tells me that one of his friends has asked for me to meet them about a possible job opportunity. Cut a long story short I get a really good job being a systems administrator with scope for some amazing experience.

The picture is looking pretty perfect right around now. I have a job, I’m in a decent, normal sleep cycle (something which is immensely difficult for me to maintain due to a disorder) and I have a beautiful girlfriend who I adore. What could possibly go wrong?

So I go down south at Easter weekend to see her and her brother (a really good friend of mine too). Things weren’t the same between me and her that weekend, I don’t know what it was, she just wasn’t the same with me. I asked her about it and she said it was because her family was around and it made it difficult for her to be hersefl around me. I understood and thought that was the reason. All in all it was a good weekend, but at the same time something was niggling at me that something wasn’t right with her, and our relationship, I tried to talk to her about it but we didnt get much of a chance to be on our own.

As soon as I came home I knew that something was very wrong. She stopped replying to my txts, not answering her phone and not coming on MSN. I know that she “phased out” her last boyfriend (as she called it) by deliberately not answering her phone when he called. I had a feeling that she was doing it to me now. I thought I’d leave her alone for a while, thinking that maybe she just needed some time to be alone and find out what she wanted. So I didnt contact her for a week and heard nothing from her that whole time. Alarm bells were ringing and I started getting that horrible feeling in my tummy when you realise that a relationship is over.

I knew that the week after Easter weekend she had a week off and was going out every night. I thought I’d let her enjoy her week and not bother her. So I rang her on the Friday (this Friday that’s just gone) and her sister answered, I asked if I could speak to her but I was told that she was in the shower, her sister asked if it would be ok for her to ring me back and i gave her my number. Time passed and she hadn’t called me back. I decided to call her again in the evening and her sister answered again, this time she sounded really on the spot, and had to think of something quickly. She told me that she and her brother had gone out to do something for family, so I asked her to call me back. Which she never did.

It was at this point that I realised that she really was avoiding me and that she was getting people to cover for her. So i wrote her an email which you can read if you click on Read more…

I need some time to think for myself and I’ll probably write more about this when I’ve done that. But here’s the email I wrote….

Well, I guess it had to happen some time. We havent spoken in about a week, and before then we hadnt spoken for a while either (although not through lack of trying on my part). I decided to give you some space and let you enjoy your holiday.

You know that sixth sense I told you I have? Its been niggling away at me for a while now and Im afraid that I must trust it again, even though I dont want to. Youre phasing me out. Thats ok, it really is. I had a feeling at Easter weekend that things werent the same between us, and that you had got bored of me and werent interested. You said it was because family was around, I understood and told myself that must have been the reason why things werent the same. Then as the week went on and you went quiet (no MSN, not answering your phone etc) I realised that you really were phasing me out as you call it. Maybe I was too serious for you, maybe I wasnt attractive enough, maybe I had done / said something wrong. Im sorry you felt it necessary not to talk to me or even tell me once that you werent interested.

Right at the start of us getting involved with each other I asked you to please just tell me if for whatever reason you didnt want us to be together anymore, and to not do to me what you say you didnt do to Dill and leave me wondering, deliberately not answer calls and be evasive. Im not angry and not bitter, in fact quite the opposite, Im happy to have spent the time I had with you. It was an honour all mine. Maybe it was my imagination but I felt we got on really well together both before and during were going out. Im just hurt and disappointed that you didnt feel you could be direct and honest with me about how you felt (which I think I have always been with you).

There are so many more things I could say and ask, and want to say and ask, but theyre for me to deal with and not for you to worry about. However I do have just one thing to ask and I hope youll indulge my curiosity, what was it that made you not want to have anything to do with me any more? All I ask is that you answer this question, if nothing else.

This really isnt a letter to end a relationship, (because Im hoping (although unlikely) that I misread the signals and Im wrong about all of this) but to start a new one. I thought you were a really good friend and maybe being together changed that, but Im hoping that youll read this, understand that Im not pissed off or anything and that I really want to stay friends with you. Im not expecting for you to suddenly feel that you can talk to me, and that everything can go back the way it was before. To be honest I dont think I could do that myself straight away, but I hope that sometime in the future youll think of me and decide to get back in touch (even if theres a little Beau running around). I doubt Ill be visiting pompey again, which is probably a relief for you.

In the end I really must thank you. You were the reason why I picked my life up and made a career for myself, one which is really taking off. I felt that being in a relationship with you would mean some stability in my life and I felt that I wanted to add to that stability by being financially able to see you regularly by driving down south as well as making you happy. I see now that your motives were not the same, and its my fault, not yours, that I didnt realise earlier.

Someday though, you will have to end a relationship yourself rather than hoping itll end itself and the other person will just go away or getting people to cover for you. You know deep down its true. If you want, you can practise on me, I know its over, and I can accept that (although I dont particularly want to) so you wont have an easier person to practise on than me.

Anyway, Ive said all that I can. I just hope that you can find it in you to get in touch and answer my only question.

Nice one mush

Rob xxx”