Archive for April, 2005
JESUS CHRIST!
I just spent the best part of an hour writing an entry here but then my fhucking laptop died.
I wrote a long story about my week and how things had picked up and now I can’t be arsed to write it all out again. I’ll do it tomorrow.
^^ that article is a perfect description of everything that I have been talking about!
I especially like the paragraph which explains what happened to me perfectly…
“Nice Guys exude insecurity — a big red target for the predators of the world. There are women out there who are “users” — just looking for a sucker to take advantage of. Users home-in on “Nice Guys”, stroke their egos, take them for a ride, add a notch to their belts, and move on. It’s no wonder so many Nice Guys complain about women being horrible, when the so often the kind of woman that get’s attracted to them is the lowest form of life…”
Top marks!! 
That article really has explained so much to me, and made me feel a shit load better!
It makes perfect sense to me now about what I’ve been doing wrong. I fully admit to EVERYTHING that the woman wrote in that article! It fits my relationship pattern to a T. Now I know exactly what it means and everything has just slotted into place for me. I knew that I needed to sort myself out before I could start another relationship, I just didn’t know what I needed to sort out but now it’s clear as day. No more Mr Nice Guy. There’s no way I can do this instantly but I’m sure as hell going to work on it. One thing which is sorted, I know what I want out of my life and I’m well on my way to fully achieving it. I just have to learn to like and love who I am. Slightly more difficult but not impossible.
Tomorrow is a new day. A new day for a new me. I can’t wait!
Hmm, well good news… things are better. In a way.
I’ve done quite a bit of thinking these past few days and realised a few things about myself. I need stability. I think everyone does, to different extents and in different ways. Some people need job stability, some need locational stability and some need emotional stability. I think i need the latter. This year has been pretty turbulent, my parents divorce, moving house, losing contact with my mum and starting a new job, I haven’t had any real stability for quite a while. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. There are people in the world who are a lot worse off than me, I’m not losing perspective on the world or anything. It’s just that right now I’m focusing on me, because I can and this is my site so I can do what I want on it. ok?! good 
Anyway, I think I was hoping that a girlfriend would offer the kind of stability that I was looking for. I wasn’t looking to settle down, or get overly committed but just to have some companionship and someone who I could talk to about anything and everything. My (ex)girlfriend and I could do that, we talked about a lot of stuff, some of it was just pure rubbish and the rest of it wasn’t. I miss that. The ability to talk about crap with someone who will talk crap back, but know when to be serious and honest. I was probably looking for too much in my last relationship, trying to find something that wasn’t there but could’ve.
So I need to do some more thinking before I know how to move on and how to deal with the lack of stability in my life. In some ways I just want to ignore it, but I know that won’t make me happy. If I look inside myself a bit more then I might just be able to figure it out a bit more and find what I really need. And that might just be an email.
Who knows?
